Venting.

Warning you now, this post will be long.


AND I DONT BELIEVE IN TALKING JUST TO BREATHE.

When first creating this blog I had so many ideas of what I wanted it to be. I wanted it to be nicely put together and absolutely flawless. I wanted to talk about popular or interesting things, things that would attract people to my blog, but not things I wanted to talk about. I was thinking about how I would get all these readers, but I realized that this is about the journey, not the destination. This blog is about me, what I want to write, and what I want to vent about. I wasn't planning on being open with these blogs, but this is the one place I can escape. It's not like I have any viewers anyway.

Life has been extremely difficult lately. I have been extremely unhappy. I have been unhappy with my job, my financial situations, school, and the biggest one-friends.

I just got promoted to mid management at the restaurant I work at which was my goal since I started working there in January of 2015. I should be happier than I am. I just hate not ever having free time. I am the type of person who lives life for adventure rather than success which could be good and bad. But this also goes along with finances. I make decent money but my dad is currently unemployed and has been since March of 2014. It has been really hard especially with my older sister passing away in February of 2015. All of my money besides maybe $75 a paycheck goes to bills and food. It gets frustrating but he took care of me and my two siblings all by himself and worked extremely hard and I just want to do all I can for him. It's hard and stressful, but also worth it to see him happy. 

The thing that has really been weighing down on me is friends. I am an extremely shy person. I am not diagnosed with Social Anxiety, I haven't ever been tested. But if social anxiety feels like your heart is going to explode, your slowly running out of breath, and you are going to projectile vomit everytime you even think about meeting someone new or go to a big social gathering, than I have Social Anxiety, but who knows. With that being said, the two friends I do have I am extremely close to. But my best friend pretty much hates me and I don't know why. She talks badly about me to her other friends but when I confront her about it she lies. She hates my boyfriend because I went to him for comfort when she left me. She is completely in love with her boyfriend, which I'm happy for her, but he breaks her heart a lot. And this is where the problem develops. I just don't understand how she plays victim in the argument I had and continuously holds that over me even though it was almost a year ago, but she can forgive her boyfriend after he breaks her heart and he's her "best friend". It just hurts a lot. I know I should stop being friends with her but I just can't. If I do, i'm the bad guy and every one hates me. I am so concerned with what others think, i hate it, and that's one of the reasons I am so shy. I don't like opening myself up to others. Very few people see my real personality. Those people are my two friends, my boyfriend, and my family. One of my favorite lyrics is "I don't believe in talking just to breathe". This lyric can mean so much to other people but I think of it as I am not going to talk just to be talking. I am not going to put my personality and myself fully out there just because others do. 

I'm just completely lost and don't know what to do.

College.

I am a "junior" in college. I use quotations because this is my third year in college and I still have no idea what I want to major in. I've gone from teaching, to criminal justice, to accounting, and everything in between. I have been sitting here for the past two hours trying to come up with a schedule for classes this fall, and nothing seemed to excite me. I was more stressed about trying to fit in classes with my work schedule. Now i'm sitting here thinking that maybe college isn't for me. My parents would kill me if they saw this. But i'm serious. I see these musicians, actors, and youtubers who are extremely successful and happy. That is the life I want. To create. Not to just sit at a desk working 9-5. I don't know. My brain is just one big ball of goo right now. I guess this is just a step in the journey of finding out who I want to be. I am just lost on a long long path called life.

The Confused,
Jess.

Music.

    Sitting here thinking of a title for this post, and have decided to keep it simple. Mostly because I lack creativity. But honestly, music is such a big part of my life and many other peoples. To me, there is no better feeling than falling in love with music Whether it be a song, an album, or a band. Repeating the same song(s) over and over and just being 100% content in the moment you are in. 

    I will not lie, I am one of those people who find a band and become that obsessive fan girl watching their every move. But that is because they bring me so much joy. Music is an escape. I just got off work from a long and terrible shift, and now I am lying in bed discovering new music and am just extremely happy. It completely flips my mood and puts my mind in a wonderland. 

    When I listen to music I am definitely more lyrically involved, rather than the beat. I love songs with a catchy beat, don't get me wrong, but songs that lyrically connect to me are always my preference. Below I will name a list of some of my favorite bands and my favorite song by them, and if anyone is reading this, you can look them up or comment if you know them. 

Twenty One Pilots - Addict With A Pen

     this band is my all time favorite and I have an explainable connection with their music.

The Summer Se t- Mannequin. 

    Just a good band with good music. Nothing too lyrically connecting though.

Simple Plan - Welcome to my Life/ Astronaut.

    my 8th grade obsession and the band that opened me up to music other than the Top 40.

Sleeping With Sirens - Save Me A Spark

    just now getting into them and love them.

The Maine - undecided.

    I literally just got into them about an hour ago but wow, they are amazing.

Why am I Here?

    That is a question that I often find I ask myself a lot. I meet new people all the time. They all have something they are extremely passionate about. I want that. I have been spending the last twenty years of my life searching for that one thing that I absolutely love doing besides watching TV or listening to music. I've tried art. I've tried playing the guitar, piano, and ukulele. I've tried skateboarding. I just can't seem to find that one thing. That is why I am here. I used to hate writing. But I figured if I am just writing for myself, whatever I wan't to write about, it will help me "de-clutter" my mind and maybe help me find my passion. I got this idea from a song called Kitchen Sink by Twenty One Pilots, my all time favorite band. 

    It's funny because when I discovered this website about an hour ago, I came across an account by the name of "Trackstar123". Apparently I had an account six years ago, with one post, and about five views. It was interesting though to see how I wrote and thought when I was fourteen. That is another reason I want to keep up with blogging. It will let me look back and see all the things I have done and how much I have grown as a person. 

    I never know how to jump from one subject to another. So I guess starting a new paragraph will do. Can I just take a minute to say that when designing my blog page, I had instant nostalgia of designing my myspace page back in middle school. Now that, that was something I was passionate about. 

    This blog post is much longer than anticipated but that's okay. I am not here to please anyone, this is simply for me. And if I happen to entertain people along the way, then that's awesome. Also, if by chance there are some people reading my blogs, please don't point out my terrible writing and grammar skills, I am aware of how bad they are. I was always more of a math girl.

    Anyways, I am rambling on and need to go to bed considering I work in the morning. But who knows, maybe I will write another blog instead because this is actually extremely fun.

Last thing I promise.

If anyone knows how to change your blog name please let me know. I am still stuck with "The Exciting Life of Me(:" from my fourteen year old days.

Yours Truly,

Jess.