Venting.

Warning you now, this post will be long.


AND I DONT BELIEVE IN TALKING JUST TO BREATHE.

When first creating this blog I had so many ideas of what I wanted it to be. I wanted it to be nicely put together and absolutely flawless. I wanted to talk about popular or interesting things, things that would attract people to my blog, but not things I wanted to talk about. I was thinking about how I would get all these readers, but I realized that this is about the journey, not the destination. This blog is about me, what I want to write, and what I want to vent about. I wasn't planning on being open with these blogs, but this is the one place I can escape. It's not like I have any viewers anyway.

Life has been extremely difficult lately. I have been extremely unhappy. I have been unhappy with my job, my financial situations, school, and the biggest one-friends.

I just got promoted to mid management at the restaurant I work at which was my goal since I started working there in January of 2015. I should be happier than I am. I just hate not ever having free time. I am the type of person who lives life for adventure rather than success which could be good and bad. But this also goes along with finances. I make decent money but my dad is currently unemployed and has been since March of 2014. It has been really hard especially with my older sister passing away in February of 2015. All of my money besides maybe $75 a paycheck goes to bills and food. It gets frustrating but he took care of me and my two siblings all by himself and worked extremely hard and I just want to do all I can for him. It's hard and stressful, but also worth it to see him happy. 

The thing that has really been weighing down on me is friends. I am an extremely shy person. I am not diagnosed with Social Anxiety, I haven't ever been tested. But if social anxiety feels like your heart is going to explode, your slowly running out of breath, and you are going to projectile vomit everytime you even think about meeting someone new or go to a big social gathering, than I have Social Anxiety, but who knows. With that being said, the two friends I do have I am extremely close to. But my best friend pretty much hates me and I don't know why. She talks badly about me to her other friends but when I confront her about it she lies. She hates my boyfriend because I went to him for comfort when she left me. She is completely in love with her boyfriend, which I'm happy for her, but he breaks her heart a lot. And this is where the problem develops. I just don't understand how she plays victim in the argument I had and continuously holds that over me even though it was almost a year ago, but she can forgive her boyfriend after he breaks her heart and he's her "best friend". It just hurts a lot. I know I should stop being friends with her but I just can't. If I do, i'm the bad guy and every one hates me. I am so concerned with what others think, i hate it, and that's one of the reasons I am so shy. I don't like opening myself up to others. Very few people see my real personality. Those people are my two friends, my boyfriend, and my family. One of my favorite lyrics is "I don't believe in talking just to breathe". This lyric can mean so much to other people but I think of it as I am not going to talk just to be talking. I am not going to put my personality and myself fully out there just because others do. 

I'm just completely lost and don't know what to do.